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Conservative Sphincters Influenced By Oral Sex, Not Hypocrisy

by George on March 20, 2011

Conservatives go to church, hate all sin, and are really hard on other sinners – unless, of course, the other sinners are also conservatives.

Apparently, some people – but certainly not all – deserve forgiveness and perhaps no one deserves forgiveness more than another conservative Christian.

Hypocrites probably won't make into Heaven

People like Senator John Ensign.  He admitted to having an affair with the wife of a top administrative aide and then getting his parents to pay them $96,000 in what was termed “a gift” and then “a severance”.

Never mind the details, the fact is that after the scandal, John Ensign still had a plausible chance for re-election among Republicans.

Apparently, they’d forgiven this Republican Senator for going lower in the moral mire than the Democrat President they impeached.


Or Mark Foley.  Despite a scandal that involved inappropriate conduct with congressional pages, this Republican was invited to speak to a group of Young Republicans a few years after his resignation from Congress.  I swear I am not making this up.

But speak the words “Bill Clinton” to a conservative Christian and you can almost hear their already-airtight sphincters clench another notch tighter.  Expect to hear a spirited indictment of his Clinton’s character and his moral turpitude shortly after you hear that telltale ratcheting of their balloon knot.

I don’t know where a blow-job – or lying about one – falls on the sin index, but apparently they are worse than marital infidelity with the wife of one of your top administrators or sexually-harassing teenage boys.

The blow-job must be pretty bad, though.  Christians really lost their shit when an image that looked like Christ getting a hummer appeared at the Loveland Museum in Colorado.

Yep, evidence that conservatives hate blow-jobs is piling up.  Even the Texas GOP went to some great effort to outlaw them. Small wonder that Clinton can’t get absolution from conservatives.

While this suggests that perhaps President Clinton should have forgone the Lewinsky blow-job and nailed a Congressional page in the ass, it wouldn’t have made him eligible for forgiveness from conservatives. For that he would need to become a Republican.

I can only hope that one day the sphincters of conservatives could achieve a normal state of tonic contraction. Unfortunately, this would require them to forgive all sinners, conservative and liberal alike, and accept that the venerated blow-job is not the worst thing in the world.

I’m not holding my breath – or clenching my sphincter.

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