I’ve often thought that conservatism was fear-based, so I was not really surprised to see that Representative Peter King, a Republican from Long Island, is perturbed by a peculiar notion that American Muslims are being radicalized.
Just when you thought that “other” peculiar notion – that communists have infiltrated the U.S. government – faded with the humiliation of Senator Joseph McCarthy, a Republican Senator from the great state of Wisconsin, back in 1954.
No such luck, apparently.
Unfortunately, Representative King and conservatives are missing the most obvious threat to our country: a dearth of golf courses.
With less than 19,000 golf courses, the United States faces a calamitous deficiency of opportunities for flabby white guys, in attire they probably should have left on the rack at Kmart, to get outside and hit a little white ball with a stick in an obvious effort to feign actual exercise.
This shortfall of golf courses – that provide copious amounts of acreage to accommodate a rather outsized version of croquet – is directly proportionate to the declination of testosterone levels of flabby white guys suffering for lack of reasonable access to a golf course.
Although I have no real evidence to support this claim, a lot of people have told me it’s true. Clearly, this is a call to action! We cannot let the testicles of flabby white guys to shrink into oblivion while fallow land sits idly by serving the dubious needs of lesser animals like the American Mink or Beetal Goat.
I call on Representative Peter King to use his position as Homeland Security Chairman to shine the penetrating light of inquiry on the shrinking testicles of flabby white guys in our great country.
Clearly, unless more golf courses are built, flabby white guys will continue to suffer the debilitating effects of symptomatic androgen deficiency. This will result in increased irritability and erectile dysfunction among those men.
It might even cause them to rekindle the antipathy of the McCarthy era and subject American Muslims to a congressional inquiry.
Oh wait …