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Inanity Alert: The Second Amendment Means More Than Guns

by George Jones on April 16, 2011

The problem with the Second Amendment is that it really doesn’t go far enough.

Sure, it allows us to own rifles, shotguns, handguns and the like, but these are almost quaint these days.


It's probably too late to arm these guys to the teeth.

Yes, some licensed dealers can own some automatic weapons, and most people can buy a .50 caliber sniper rifle that could virtually cut a man in half from more than a mile away, but this is hardly sufficient to sustain the armed-revolt fantasy of our more right-wing citizens – and that just isn’t right.

In order to throw off the yoke of tyranny that Obama is clearly forging (when he isn’t tossing midgets or heckling the disabled) our country’s worst spellers need firearms far exceeding those needed to protect life and property. They need firepower and they need it now.


Not to worry, these things will have warning labels.

Frankly, I’m not sure why people who couldn’t balance a checkbook with a calculator and a crystal ball can’t own rocket-propelled grenades, anti-aircraft missiles and flamethrowers. Even though these folks needed tutors to pass the written exam for their drivers’ licenses, they are still Americans and still have a right to bear arms regardless of how complex a weapon system is or how catastrophic their use might be. Anything less would mean that we are living in a socialist nightmare.

Although few gun enthusiasts can accurately explain what socialism – or a republic, for that matter – is, they do know that it’s bad because Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck told them so.

Baby Deer

They are a crafty and remorseless foe that routinely outwit men with guns. Mines would mitigate the terror they inspire.

These free-thinkers are the soul of our nation and there isn’t a reason they shouldn’t be armed to the teeth. Area-denial ordnance like mines should likewise be afforded Second Amendment protection and be stocked in every sporting goods store that sells ammunition. It just makes sense – not only do mines provide hunters with the edge they need over the high-order intelligence of herd mammals like deer, they ultimately save ammunition by killing more deer with much less effort.

It’s likewise clear that indirect fire weapons, like artillery, are also a necessary tool that citizens need to protect their freedom from a government they elected. Since you can never tell when an election might result in actually electing a black man with a social conscience, our citizens need to be ready to enforce the righteous result of an election by assuring a paranoid hillbilly is always the winner. Modern artillery will help assure that elections work the way they are supposed to.

Multiple Launch Rocket SystemClearly, there is a problem with making advanced weapon systems available to righteous America citizens with the will to enforce freedom at the point of a gun – the cost. The cost of a MLRS artillery system is north of $2 million dollars – making its cost prohibitive for ordinary American families.

Still, these weapons should be available to average citizens who want to exercise their Second Amendment rights on a scale equal to the rage they feel against the government they elected. Although this would likely result in massive – and unnecessary – loss of life, we need to remember that freedom isn’t free.

BaboonI say ‘Let freedom ring’ by providing angry, clueless people the ability to enforce their will with the righteous dignity that nature bestows on the baboon with the reddest ass.

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