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Inanity Alert: Republicans and Democrats React to Inanity

by George Jones on April 8, 2011

The other day a man was shaving his scrotum with a pair of live piranhas and one of them little critters inadvertently sliced a wee hole in his nut sack that began bleeding like a center-mass shotgun wound.

Picture of a piranha

Something seems fishy!

Fortunately, this accident occurred in the bathroom stall of an airport men’s room and the widening pool of blood alerted a nearby Republican congressman – one of many known to frequent airport men’s rooms.

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul D. Ryan rushed to the stall and provided that man with what he so desperately needed: a tax cut.

Clearly this is an absurd notion; there is no way Representative Ryan would provide someone tax relief without checking to see if they were already wealthy enough not to need it first.

That’s the modus operandi of the Republican Party – only provide tax relief to people who don’t need tax relief.

Of course, the Democratic response to a man-scaping incident would hardly be better. A flurry of legislation would follow – the least absurd probably being the mandating of mouth guards for personal grooming. The mouth guards, of course, would be for the piranhas.

The Democrats’ new piranha tax would outrage Republicans. Not because it is patently absurd, but because it would most directly affect affluent constituents who might want to drop a fish in their laps to graze.

This would outrage the more liberal-minded part of the Democratic Party whose instincts to protect piranhas from exploitation clearly outweigh their concern for the private parts of wealthy people.

The media will express some initial revulsion at the prospect of an ill-tempered gill-bearing aquatic vertebrate feasting on someone’s muff, but as pop culture endorses this perverse, misuse of South American game, they will inadvertently glamorize it and bring more moths to the flame of genital mutilation.

Over time a new arm of the federal government would be created to deal with an incursion of piranhas into the personal grooming sector of our economy.

As this occurs, copious amounts of money will be funneled into scientific efforts to create domestic, commercially-viable piranhas that are safer than scissors.


{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Jess April 15, 2011 at 10:46 am

LMAO – only you, George.


Jeff April 8, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Yes George, I have a question…..
How did the man get the piranhas into the airport bathroom?
I’d assume that they would have to be transported in liquid in an amount that clearly couldn’t pass through the TSA checkpoint.


George Jones April 10, 2011 at 12:48 pm

The bathrooms were in Baggage Claim? 🙂


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