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Inanity Alert: Mixing the SUV and a Cell Phone

by George Jones on April 15, 2011

Do cell phones cause brain cancer? Good God, I hope so!

People are always horrified by this statement, but as someone who’s nearly been killed multiple times by soccer moms driving 3-ton SUVs while talking to their mothers on a cell phone, I can only think of brain cancer as a means of salvation for the balance of the motoring public.

Soccer Mom

Soccer mom reaching for her cell phone just to piss me off.

While this might sound like I am singling out soccer moms for early termination, my death wish actually extends to anyone driving a 3-ton SUV, but particularly those also using cell phones while doing so.

It isn’t because massive SUVs are a massively stupid mode of transportation, or that cell phones are more distracting than the sound of your parents humping, it’s that the combination of the two are more dangerous than mixing alcohol and firearms.

What’s maddening is that not only does Bluetooth® technology make the hand operation of a cell phone completely unnecessary, the technology is a standard feature on most of the enormous SUVs careening all over our roads.  In fact, the proliferation of Bluetooth technology is so pervasive that virtually every American car built in 2011 has it as a standard feature.

Bluetooth device

Even if the car/truck/massive-instrument-of-death doesn’t have Bluetooth capability, the damn phone certainly does.  A hands-free Bluetooth device is commonly worn on a single ear and helps keep your eyes on the road and is generally less expensive than running down a Brownie troop crossing the road in front of you.

Clearly the downside of using a cell phone while driving should be self-evident, but it seems certain that unless the downside includes some significant penalty – like brain cancer – or perhaps an immediate IRS audit – it will continue as the scourge it is.

My hope is not actually for a more carcinogenic cell phone – it’s for people to wean themselves from this electronic pacifier and pay attention.

My hope for a cure for the 3-ton SUV problem has already arrived, though.  The median price for fuel is now more than $4 per gallon.  Pardon me while I point and laugh at your ridiculously massive SUV.


{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Jeff April 16, 2011 at 12:27 am

I was going to write a witty comment on this one, but my phone just rang and I have a text that came while I was reading that is waiting for a response and above all of that, this guy won’t stop tailgating me and I’m about to pull into the gas station.

Send from my iPhone


George April 16, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Tsk-tsk. 🙂


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