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Inanity Alert: Drug Commercials That Make You Sick

by George Jones on April 11, 2011

The commercial features an attractive woman walking purposefully across a city street towards the camera, her auburn hair seesawing in the rhythm of her athletic gait, an occasional unseen breeze fluttering both her well-coiffed mane and the end of a stylish scarf draped about her slender neck.

Depends model

The film is running at the speed of a football replay to accentuate the physicality of this beautiful woman moving through the crosswalk and up the sidewalk. It conveys a vitality, grace, and an undertone of sensuality.

Then the camera pulls in closer as she playfully tosses her head and a radiant smile animates the beauty of her face. Although she’s clearly a mature woman, there isn’t the hint of a gray hair or a turkey neck. Things are looking good!

Correspondingly, millions of middle-age men watching this commercial begin to feel the stirrings of a ‘Cialis’ moment when their brain catches up with the audio track from the television and the klaxon in their limbic systems suddenly blares forth: “KLANG-KLANG-KLANG! IT’S A COMMERCIAL FOR ADULT DIAPERS! DIVE-DIVE-DIVE!”

Yep, the mature but attractive babe is in a commercial pushing plastic underwear. Suddenly, this woman’s sex appeal drops faster than the temperature of a thermometer placed in Ann Coulter’s ass.

There are clearly a few problems with commercials like this – the most obvious being that they remind us of things we’d rather not think about – ever – but that is not the limit of their inanity.

Betty White


For instance, although I don’t have a clear image of what an incontinent woman looks like, I’m presuming she looks more like Betty White than Minka Kelly.

Janet Jackson

Not a problem.

There is also the relative morality issue – meaning that network censors DON’T want me to SEE Janet Jackson’s cans, but they DO want me to VISUALIZE women wetting themselves as they stride across busy municipal crosswalks? Really?

Also, why are there commercials about incontinence in the first place? Is someone in television-land under the impression that Americans stopped eating dinner in front of the TV?

Aunt Bea from "The Andy Griffith Show"

Yes, Floyd may very well have been hitting this.

Good grief, I don’t want to think about incontinent women anymore than I want ponder the apparently capricious nature of middle-age male erections – meaning the commercials from Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra are equally disturbing. The last thing I want to be thinking about when I’m watching reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show” is the prospect of Floyd with an erection or Aunt Bea with a full diaper – or any variations in-between, like Floyd being ‘ready’ when Aunt Bea gives him that special look.

Frankly, I’m not sure the nation needs a national broadcast about stool softeners either. Chance are, if you are having that TYPE of problem, you are either in the crapper trying to set that demon free, or you’re already at CVS looking for a chemical priest to cast him out. You aren’t parked in front of a television waiting for the inspiration this type of commercial portends to provide.

But drug commercials are money-makers for the pharmaceutical companies. They spend approximately $5 billion a year pitching their products. What they’ve determined is that for every $1,000 they spend pitching a medication, 24 new prescriptions are written.

Not a bad deal, really – unless you happen to be a consumer trying to get through dinner without becoming physically ill.

My only hope is that they are working on a drug to cure this situational nausea I’m experiencing. I’m sure the commercial for it is already in the works.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Jess April 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

There is an old fashioned cure for what you’ve got there … the off switch on the television.


George April 16, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Yeah, but if you’re watching a program, you’d have to turn off the TV every 9-11 minutes and turn it back on every 3-5 minutes to miss the commercials. It gets tiring. 🙂


Jodi April 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

George that is fabulous!

I hate those stinking commercials! All of them! The incontinence, the impotence, the periods, the yeast infections, WTF?

But really, do you think Floyd was tapping Aunt Bea? LMAO


George April 14, 2011 at 11:50 am

He sure seemed to like her pie … I was just extrapolating from there. Also, Aunt Bea always struck me as being a sexually active, mature woman that probably owned some leather – and Floyd always seemed a bit submissive – so it seemed a likely match. 🙂


aaron April 12, 2011 at 9:24 am

“Suddenly, this woman’s sex appeal drops faster than the temperature of a thermometer placed in Ann Coulter’s ass.”

Lol. Well put.

Reminds of a bit from Jim Norton’s book where when comparing the Pink Panther movies (original vs. remake) he remarks that when Peter Sellers got his hand stuck in something it was funny, whereas when Steve Martin did you found yourself wishing that instead of a vase it was “the clenched asshole of a diving blue whale.” Always makes me laugh.


George April 14, 2011 at 12:18 pm

LOL – “the clenched asshole of a diving blue whale” IS funny. I also like analogies that are unambiguous.


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