Inanity Alert: Our Right to Bear Catapults

I’ve always thought the viability of catapults is difficult to overstate inasmuch as they provide consumers with a savvy device to reorder their universe while entertaining friends and family.

Haven’t scores of people have been awoken in the wee hours of the morning by the family cat only to wonder why some device didn’t exist to decisively displace it in a manner befitting it’s overstated sense of importance?

Wouldn’t a catapult meet the need to entertain family and friends while decisively resolving a series of slights from a hairy source of egocentricity?

Certainly a catapult could meet this need – and do so in an ecologically-responsible way. A catapult can be operated, at the consumer-level, with a simple hand crank.

Commercial catapults designed to toss cattle, copiers, or parking garages would likely require some manner of engine, though electricity might suffice provided there is reasonable access to a three-prong plug.

Catapult technology has clearly evolved based on what I’ve seen on The Discovery Channel and I think the absence of viable, consumer-oriented catapult products on the open-market can only be the result of one thing: government regulation.

Government does exist to protect the greater interests of our society but this lofty ideal has been perverted by craven special interests. They seek to limit the freedom of benevolent private citizens and responsible commercial entities to relocate ornery cats, diseased cattle, and dissolute parking structures in an entertaining manner.

These special interests seek the moral high ground by proclaiming indiscriminate conversion of inanimate objects – and some particularly annoying mammals – into projectiles is somehow unsafe. Clearly, these people have never seen The Discovery Channel.

Our Founding Fathers are most definitely spinning in their graves. The Second Amendment clearly states that the “use of catapults may not be abridged” and that “the fucking cat had it coming.” Clearly this action against our basic human rights is an indignity and a call to action.

I can only hope to one day live in a world where my wife might ask me “Where’s the cat?” and I can truthfully answer that I have no earthly idea – and enjoy a good night’s sleep.

Tagged as: inanity