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Considering the Inanity of The Rapture in an Addled Mind

by George on May 21, 2011

By now we all realize “the rapture” thing was just one more slice of bullshit, even though it was “proclaimed” by someone who is supposed to be a bible scholar.  I mean, who would argue with a bible scholar, right?  (Answer: another bible scholar).

What’s fun is watching a couple of these wizards square off on the History Channel and debate all biblical issues great and small.  The reason it’s fun for me is that many times they are reading the same words and coming up with different interpretations – which sends my conscious and unconscious minds into a state of dither.  I mean, I keep trying to take it seriously and have some sort of ecclesiastical epiphany, but more often than not my mind goes down the street of parody and dithering ensues.

See, “the dither” is comprised of competing parades of inanity – one from my conscious mind – which is watching the program and trying to make sense of it all; the other from my subconscious mind – which contents itself with sending up a withering stream of diverse thoughts whenever my conscious mind goes out for a smoke.  It’s like watching TV while Rhesus monkeys play with the remote.

So it should not be surprising that, while I’m watching a program about biblical history, my mind will occasionally wander to some bemusing thought distantly related to the topic at hand.

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann

Dumb and Dumberer

In this case, it was Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.  They get a lot of mileage out of seeming to be pious by leveraging the abortion issue in what they presume to be God’s favor, so they’re in my cranial index related to the topic of “bible.”  But they also have indexes to the topics of “morons”, “politicians”, “Fox News” and “people I’ll never see on ‘Jeopardy'” – among many others.

A busy little collaboration of writers and producers in my mind instantaneously produce a bemusing ‘short’ about Michelle and Sarah.

The temporal vignette now showing in the cinema of my mind has these two finishing up lunch at a diner that caters to morons.  The wait staff are all specially-trained to handle people like Michelle and Sarah by speaking very slowly, using pantomimes expertly, and clapping every time either of them get an answer right.  This all makes my belly tickle a little – but then one of the biblical scholar on TV says something interesting.  The conscious mind is back on the job and the cinema goes dark.

When biblical scholars get their freak on they argue about the various interpretations of specific Greek words of antiquity and how they do or don’t correlate to particular Aramaic phraseology.  I listen for a bit, but then my interest starts to flag again, so my unconscious mind restarts the cinema.

Now I’m picturing Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin exploring each other mouths with their tongues – which is pretty hot – but suddenly there’s a comedic twist in the plot.  The check has arrived at the Moron Cafe so now Michelle and Sarah have to calculate the tip and split it evenly between themselves.  I begin to snicker a bit.  Click!

Bathroom stalls

U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, also comes to mind

The biblical scholars are on to the “synoptic problem” with the gospels.  This always gets my attention because it seems that the congruency of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John is, let’s say, uneven – which is to say it is not unlike the audible dissonance of four overweight guys, in adjoining stalls, straining to vacate their bowels.  A lot of it sounds pretty similar, but some of it is downright contrary.  The whole lot of it makes you wonder why you’re “experiencing” this to begin with.

To place the breaking-of-wind into the framework of the New Testament, the men are not in adjoining stalls, the flatulence is not from something they personally ate, and the flatulence is occurring a generation later than the food was digested.

While I recognize that comparing flatulence with something considered to be holy is, at best, an uncomfortable analogy, it’s one I’ve made before.  I only offer it here so that I have a gratuitous link to my epiphany about God and farting – the very one that inspired my mother-in-law to stop speaking to me.

Anyway, back to the biblical scholars – now they’re making their respective pitches about how inviolate the gospels are.  Which is kind of funny, because they were just talking about a synoptic problem these gospels have.  One of the scholars seems to be making the point that there is a lot very much in question, while his compatriots are retreating to the oft-spoken bromide of “you have to have faith.”


{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Jodi May 23, 2011 at 9:14 am

Welcome back George!


George May 23, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Thanks Jodi!


Don M. May 22, 2011 at 9:08 am

INvisible Demon fire-red Taxi waiting outside the home; will verify last breath before coroner, no need to tell them your destination, they know the “way”! (Alfred E. Neuman, Mad Magazine fame, “What, Me Worry?”
Liked your phrase, “my conscious mind went out for a smoke”; the operative word here.
If the Wall Street Journal turns you down, I bet the Hartford Advocate will give INANITY a column! Have you asked them? Why not send them the complete articles to date, & see if they are interested? Jim Shea of the Courant better start looking for a job, too!


George May 22, 2011 at 1:23 pm

The Wall Street Journal would never have me; they’re owned by Rupert Murdoch after all. Yeah, I’d like Jim Shea’s job, but only when he is done with it. Thanks for the vote of confidence!


George May 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Then my work here is done! 🙂


Linda J May 21, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Sprayed the computer screen with coffee again!!


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