Humor Blogs - Blog RankingsBlog DirectoryRSS Search

Inanity of Celebrating Mom With One Day

by George on May 8, 2011

Shooting a baby out of your crotch confers motherhood with all of the majesty and verisimilitude insemination confers on fatherhood. Let’s face it, they are both just biological events. The titles of “mother” and “father” are honors that are more earned than assigned at birth.

motherhoodParenting is clearly an inanity. Children deliver sleepless nights, copious amounts of vomit, and diapers that resemble a Superfund site in both volume and olfactory unpleasantness. Although the children grow and evolve, they represent a persistent financial drain that make cocaine addiction seem like an investment strategy.

Though the end of the diaper phase typically means parents won’t be cleaning excrement off of their walls until after their child’s first unsupervised high school party, it’s really just the beginning of a soul-crushing list of inanities and privations that begin pretty much the minute a minivan appears in the driveway.

Between the diapers and the satanic curse of adolescence is a period of time where the children become exposed to education and something we will euphemistically call “friends.” They become consumers of modern culture and develop richly textured personalities that often highlight every flaw each parent has observed in their respective in-laws for years.

Motherhood is like being pecked to death by a chickenThe satanic curse of adolescence really deserves its own paragraph since it marks a time where parents begin to question the humanity of that which sprang from their loins. It’s typically marked by parents making a headlong rush into surgery to prevent the possibility of any further episodes of conception – which should give you some idea of how dark and foreboding the period of adolescence is.

Not that post-adolescence is a walk in the park. The “aspiring adults” that were befouling diapers, seemingly yesterday, are now busy finding unsuitable partners with whom to initiate the cycle of procreation anew. The parents’ worries of yesteryear now seem to pale in comparison to the specter of their progeny’s betrothed adorning every family occasion like the fulfillment of a lifetime subscription to Rent-A-Dolt.

Clearly, parenting is not for the weak or timid and, more often than not, the role of sustaining a family’s planetary rotation falls to the mother.

Mothers are the first-responders for every family event, task, or imperative. They nurse every wound and tend every heart. The hours are long and the results are unknown – yet still they toil to make everything right. We try to celebrate them every year on Mother’s Day, but this acknowledgment falls far short of any reasonable parity.

So this post is dedicated to all of the mothers out there who sacrifice so freely and love so deeply. We are forever indebted to your investment in us.

Happy Mother’s Day!

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Jodi May 10, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Kids are awesome; a lot of hard work but awesome none-the-less. I concur with Linda!


George May 13, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Linda raised good kids. I haven’t met yours but I presume the same about them. You seem like a great mom to have. 🙂


Linda J May 9, 2011 at 6:40 am

Excellent! For someone who is just an observer of the field, you hit the nail on the head, a clean blow. Nonetheless, I would not have given up one moment bringing those kids into the world. It is by FAR the best thing I eve did…LJ


George May 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Thanks! But I still don’t understand how mothers do what they do, much less why. 🙂


Leave a Comment